feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
