Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
