I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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