it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
It was confusing and full of hummus
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
