nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
