How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
