I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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