Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
