Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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