Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I met the friendliest cop last night
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
