I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
