Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
