He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
