I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
