how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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