Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
