What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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