How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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