I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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