He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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