I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
His hands were made for my vagina.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
