I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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