He asked me if I "almost moaned"
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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