Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
