At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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