My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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