thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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