yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
even my farts smell like vagina
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
