you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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