I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
