you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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