ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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