I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Randomize
