"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
