How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I'm at about main and main street
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
