It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize
