I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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