Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
