My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
