If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
