does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
