Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
