Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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