where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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