the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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