Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
