Moan for me like Helen Keller
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
