I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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