so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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