4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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