They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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